as the goddess grows

For the past year, my roommate and I would sit down once a week and discuss our goals. We would start out with our big goals. We would then break it down into smaller more manageable goals. We would start out by saying to ourselves, “what can I do this week that will get me to my goal.” This last year has been eventful to say the least. I was able to accomplish one goal, getting a new job, and go back to school so I can get a degree in horticulture and eventual get a job in the field. It was hard not to get frustrated, especially when things weren’t moving fast enough. I hope my ongoing adventure will encourage others to continue to go after their dreams. What got us going was that we both had some pretty big goals to accomplish. Even though we have been able to get threw a few, we haven’t gotten them all done. I feel that when one goal is meet, we should start a new one. Any goal always leads to more. What got me going with my goals was that I had found a passion for gardening. My roomy and I decided to put in a garden. I guess you can say that this in a sense, hit me if the face. I had, and still have anxiety. A lot of times, I would hop into my car and drive. This always clears my head. Well after the second day of gardening, I hoped into my car to think. The funny thing was, I really had nothing to think about. That was frustrating me a little. That is when it hit me. My anxiety was gone. I was trying to figure out how to keep this going. And this is how I figured out that I should go back to school. In my opinion, the best way for a person to learn, is to do what they enjoy. Well I started out slowly. This fall semester I will be taking 3 classes. In the spring, I hope to go full time and be at the University Of Minnesota. Which leads me to my next goal. A few years ago, I was working overnights at a local nationwide retailer. I had been there for almost 8 years. This job was really getting to me. I felt like I needed something new and to grow. So I had gotten a job doing customer service over. Well It only lasted 4 weeks when I decided it wasn’t for me. So, needless to say I was out of a job for a few months. I was able to find a job, but it was only part time. Well, something is better than nothing. My next goal was to get a new job. One of my goals to get this done was to start volunteering. This has always been a big part of my life. And it always looks good on a résumé. So I started working at the Dodge Nature Center in West St. Paul. After a year and a half of this, I was able to get a job at the University of Minnesota. This is a big step for me. Not only am I working full time, I am also getting paid better, starting out at a job, then I ever have at any other job that I have had, and the university will, as of right know, pay for all of my tuition. How cool is that. These two things have given me so much more confidence. Sometimes it does get hard. I am still trying to figure out how to keep it going all the time. But one thing is for sure, no matter how hard something may seem, it is manageable.

So I have started volunteering at the dodge nature center ( www.dodge nature center.org). It has been one of the coolest things I have ever done. Even in the heat we've been haveing. I love being able to get into the durt and pull weeds, clip dry plants and water. It is grounding.

There are 2 things that I have notice that I really like. Hearing the animals, and the senery. Both I feel is something I can capture on canvase.

This is a good prodject for me not only because I can releave stress, I am makeing it look good for other people to enjoy. Well I can injoy it too.

A Great way to relieve anxiety

About a month ago, I was getting my flower garden ready. I was putting in sunflowers. It took me 2 days to do this. About an hour after I was done on day 2, I realized something was off. I realized that my anxiety was goon. I was so excited. Ever since then, I have been trying to figure out how to use this new passion.

The first thing I am going to do is try and volunteer. I think I will start at the Como Zoo and Conservatory. This will allow me to relax and be around beautiful flowers. I am hoping to find places to volunteer at where I can plant flowers for those who can’t afford it. I feel that will be a good way to use my talents to make those less fortunate feel good. Something as simple as a flower garden to spend time in, I think will make them feel good.

I am going to look into going back to school and study horticulture. This way, I can get a job doing something that I love. Granted, there will be days that won’t want to go, but I feel that will be once in a blue moon.

I feel If you find something you love, you should share it.

i am crazy?

When we were together you could only think about yourself,


I thought you were a man,

Strong, smart, sensitive,

You didn’t have a problem with that,

So why did I do all the work,

Pick up your drunk ass,

No work,

Giving me all the stress,

You were just a child living in a man’s body,

Wanting to be loved like the rest of us,

Trying to be all manly and shit,

But your not,

So you satisfied yourself with another women,

While I worked and dug my own grave,

Then you got caught,

And I left,

You told me it was my falt,

I did nothing wrong except take our life seriously,

Now its my time to be selfish,

Time to be the diva,

As I look in the mirror I wonder,

Who Is that looking back at me,

I am worth so much more than what you gave,

I have so much more to give,

My love and friendship should not be thrown to the curb.

Green thumb

My roommate and I have decided to do something this spring that we have never done this year. Now before your mind go’s in the gutter, let me explain. We have decided have a garden of vegetables and grow flowers also. We both have helped with other peoples gardens, manly our parents, but never our own. So this will be an adventure for us.



We started by getting seeds of what we wanted. We also have been saving egg cartons too. We filled the egg cartons with soil, planted the seeds, watered them, and then placed them into a greenhouse that we have in our front porch. Now hopefully, the greenhouse will keep the plants worm and wet. By the time it is worm outside and in the ground unthaws, we will be able to cut the egg cartons apart, we can plant them. Plus, since the egg cartons are biodegradable, we won’t have to worry about taking the soil and plant out of the carton and potentially destroying it.



I am excited about this for many reasons. First of all, I have never done this before. New things are always good. Secondly, I am going to try a trick that my wonderful dad use to do in his garden. First you fill a bucket full of water. After you are done weeding your garden, throw the weeds in the bucket and let the water soak out the nutrients. It’s the same idea with cooking vegetables; don’t put too much water in so it doesn’t take the nutrients away, except it’s the opposite.

breaking free

Like most people, I have had many struggles in my life. Trying to graduate from high school and getting a divorce were my 2 biggest challenges. I never really understood why life for me was so hard when it came so easily for everyone else. And right know, what’s running threw my head as I write this is the song by Queen “I want to break free”. I have been so set in my ways for so long, I always ask myself how I need to change. I get the same response, huh?
I had gotten a lot of help from a great support system when I was going through my divorce. The one thing I learned is that I needed to let go and start thinking about myself. I spent a good 2 years really struggling to figure this out. I had a job come my way that I had taken. This was my way of getting out of the grave yard shift. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. As scared as I was, I knew it would all work out. Because of this job loss, I went to go see my therapist that helped me threw my divorce. The first thing she told me was if I had asked her opinion first, she would of told me that I couldn’t handle it. WHAT! But in a way she was right. She suggests I get tested for a learning disability. I always thought I was border line having one, but never thought it was worth the trouble. Boy was I wrong.
I had found out that I have a nonverbal learning disorder. I had done some research and everything made sense. People with NLD have a week visual processing skill. This means that I struggle with visual, special, organization, evaluation and intuitive functions. Math, motor skills, reading comprehension and handwriting are difficult. Along with this, most people with NLD suffer with social settings. Many problems that come up because of all of this is anxiety, depression, visual-spatial issues but usually picks up on auditory perception and memory for simple verbal materials. (http://www.nldontheweb.org/home.html)
Know that I am armed with all this information, I am scared shitless and want to crawl back in bed. I am making a lot of progress with it though but wish I was farther along. What I have been working on the last few months is telling people how I feel without our whole conversation being about me or demanding people’s time. Let me tell you that this is extremely difficult for me. I am hoping that threw this blog, I not only tell people about this disorder, that it is a way of telling my close friends what’s going on.

There are some programs I hope to get involved in, or do myself, that will help with visual-spatial issues and being able to multitask. This, I think, will open up more doors for me. I really feel that life should be about experiencing it to the fullest.

creating something new out of something old

I believe everyone should recycle as much as possible. I don’t mean just the usual like glass, plastic aluminum. Just think about all the things you use in a day that you throw away. I know I am always thinking of ways to use and reuse things all the time. By doing this, you will be throwing less away. This means, there will be less in the landfills.

A few months ago, my roommate had broken her headboard off of her bed. She was hoping that she could fix it, but was not able too. Her thought was to go to IKEA, get some table legs, and put them on the headboard. And tada, my new desk. What was either old or unusable to one person is brand new to someone else. And in my opinion exciting too.

Along with getting what we needed at IKEA, we also went to the Goodwill the find some accessories. This helps so many people. You can donate things you don’t want any more, people can buy things that they really need, no matter how much money the make, and it gives people who don’t have jobs, and need to get some good work skills, a place to work.

Knitting and Crocheting can have many benefits to your life

I have found a new a new hobby. Or well, I should say, I have gotten back into it. In resent months, I have started crocheting. I had done this to kill time at night due to working the night shift and nothing better to do. Know that I am on days, and thinking a little bit clearer, I have started making things for alley shop. Right know I am in the process of making hats and scarf’s. Because it gets so cold hear in Minnesota, that is one thing that most people need, no matter how much money you have.

But did you know that knitting and crocheting can have health benefits too. It has been found that this rhythmic act can help prevent and manage stress, Pain and depression. (http://www.prlog.org/10179509-knitting-and-crochet-offer-long-term-health-benefits.html). Dealing with the stress factor alone can help with a lot of other health issues. Stress a lot of times will weaken your immune system witch can make you sick. Many also believe s that the act of knitting is triggered in the brain is similar to doing yoga and meditation. This is one thing I myself, never realized.

I guess for me, knitting is not only a stress reliever, but it also makes me feel good that I am making something for someone in need. Being able to give of myself is one think that I pride myself of, which in turn, makes me feel good. So in the end, It makes me feel good about myse

lf, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

references
http://www.prlog.org

starting the new year out right!

At the start of a new year, I am reminded of what I am grateful. Good friends and family who support me in everything that I do, a place to live, a job, and my health. But what about those who don't? What about those who have been hit by the recession and don't have friends and family to depend on? There are many people in our world, who don't have much, If anything. I hope to inspire even just one person to help those less fortunate then themselves.
Know I don't have a lot myself, since I am only getting 20 hours a week at my job, but I still feel it important to help just because, what if it were me? I would want organizations out there, like alley shop, to be there for me, when and If I need it.
Threw my years of working with alley shop, I have learned that there are many things that people in poverty need such as pots and pans, towels, sheets and cloths. These are always in demand. One thing that most people don't realize is that they also need things that make a house a home. Things like pictures, nicknacks, flowers (real would be nice but the fake ones last longer), and so on. I don't know about you, but It Is nice going home to a beautiful house, no matter the size.
I hope that in this new year, I hope I have inspired every one to give of there time and talents to those less fortunate then themselves. Remember, poor people have dignity too.

learn to play texas hold'em

Have you ever wanted to learn to play Texas Hold’em but never new were to go? Do you want a way to learn in a fun and save environment? Don’t worry, no experience is needed. You will learn the fundamentals of the game including how to deal, bet and play simple strategies for winning. For more information, please go to http://www.minnesotagaming.com/learnemholdem.html. If you decide to go, please tell them you heard it from megan.

during this time of Thanksgiving, lets remember those who are less fortunate then ourselves.

I know for many if you, Thanksgiving, we will be spending time with our friends and family, eating turkey, and being thankful for everything that we have. But what about those that don't have enough for food, clothing or any of the other basic necessities that many of us take for granted? With the economy the way it is, there are many going with out this year. Do I get food, gas for the car, medicine?
I, for one am grateful for everything that I have. I have learned a lot threw my many volunteer jobs that I have. Seeing the sense of togetherness and pride that I saw in Jamaica. And also seeing many of my friends, family and different organizations like school and church, pull together when asked. It is so amazing to see all the love out there.
There my work at Alley Shop, I have learned that many of these people get there food threw the food shelf. A lot of the food donated are canned goods. Since many of these people don't have much money, they cant afford simple things like can openers, and many times, use sharp knifes to open them.
So in this time of Thanksgiving, I hope all of you will find it in your hearts to give of your time, talents, or money to different organizations this season. And not just during this time, but all year long too. Poverty doesn't take time off.

To my bff's, because I love u

Know I don't say this much, but I really love y friends. I have a hard tie sharing this. The chorus to this song I think helps explain it. I have the coolest group of friends. We come from different backgrounds and different faiths, we celebrate not only our similarities, we also respect out differences. I can have the coolest discussions with them. No matter how much time passes that we don't see each other, we pick up right were we leave off. For instance, my bff crystina and I have been friends since the first grade, In high school, we had lost touch. Neither of us realized that we were going to the same college until we saw each other in the library commons at Century College. It was as if we had not seen each other for 4 years.
I hope all of my friends, no matter what there faith is, enjoy the lyrics to this song.

Lyrics to Friends :

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.


Chorus
[ Friends Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com

times are changing, for me at lest

There are so many things that I want too do in life, but it is so hard to figure it out. A person would think that by the age of 31. I would have figured this out. But I am just as lost as ever. I feel my biggest problem is that I am so worried about everyone else that I for get about me. Now that I have been divorced to a little over 2 years, I a facing this issue head on. This is what I have figured out so far,
The first think that I would like to point out is that I was taught a lot of good things that from my parents that I would not give back. The biggest thing being is that you need to work hard for the penny you earn. But in the same sense, they also taught me to settle. You can’t get any better then were you are right known. As a kid of the 90’s, I was always told that I could be anything I wanted too be. Well, what the hell happened?
What happened, remember that I do love my crazy parents, because they settled, I think they didn’t know how to get me to achieve more. For me having a learning disability, (being tested as we speak) I found it hard to motivate my self.
I can’t blame my parents totally. As an adult, I need to start taking control of my life. I think, when I was in my 20’s, I was stuck between adolescences and adulthood. I didn’t feel prepared for the world. I did learn some valuable lessons along the way. Things such as, take info with a grain of salt, relax, and If I want something, I need to use my words. The sad thing is, it took me, 10 years to figure it out.
As part of this new journey that I am on, I am making a pledge to myself that I am going to live life to the fullest, and work my but off to get there. I plan on using this blog as a way of not only letting everyone know about my progress, but to also let everyone know about my projects. I feel that I need to get out there and experience life. In high school, I kept busy so I didn’t have to think about how depressed I was that life wasn’t going the way I want it to. I think know, I need to keep busy, so buy doing things that I want to do. Things that will either be fun, and or give me some kind of fulfillment.
Know I know this is going to be difficult for me, but I think that in the long run, I will be a better person. And I know that my friends will always be there for me. I plan on having a long and successful life ahead of me.

Make a list of your character defects

This is the fourth step in Al-Anon. I honestly thought it was going to be hard. I think it was more time consuming then it was hard. I had used a workbook that an AL-Anon friend had gotten for me. That had made it easier to deal with. I think there wer quit a few smaller defects that I think might be easy to take care of. Learning to trust my higher power more. Be interested in other peoples lives, but don't life my life threw there's. Don't get involved in gossip. An in general, learn to let go and give to God. I had figured out that I have one big problem that can make it hard to get over the small stuff, wich is, I think I have a paralyzing fear of change and doing what I want to do.
What started this fear is growing up with my mother who had taken the alcoholic gene and would over eat. I felt like I had to walk on egg shells when I was around her. It seemed any little thing would set her off. And when she was set off, the whole neighborhood heard about it. There were a lot of times that I would want to do something, like running cross country freshman year, she wouldn't let me do. Or what I should say is, I felt like she didn't want me to do. And there were many times in my life that I felt like she did that to me. Because of this, any time, now as an adult, I am afraid of dreaming, but to reach for those dreams. I feel that I will crash and burn as soon as I get going.
The one thing that I think will get me threw this is my higher power. I have been praying to him all the time and it really seems to help. I am still a little weary about it but it seems to help.

my new life

So it will be a year ago in february that I had made the decision to divorce my husband. I think it has taken me this long to get my life moving forward. It dose seem to be hard and slow moving (moving faster now then it did even a few months ago). I think I am almost ready to make the leap to a more independent life. I am not getting as scared. When I do, I remember one of the many things I have learned in Al-Anon, One day at a time. I just wish that things would hurry up. But I do have to take the time to smell the roses, or what ever catches my eye.
I am starting to get some money saved. I am hoping to have enough saved by this summer, May at the earliest. As much as I love my parents, they are driving me crazy. I think they are old school I guess is the right word to use. Meeting people online really scares them. But the bare seen isn't any better. This is just one example.
I hope to get some ideas on how to create the new me. One way is to pick up dance again. Any thing to create the new me. My future is bright and full of new things.