as the goddess grows

For the past year, my roommate and I would sit down once a week and discuss our goals. We would start out with our big goals. We would then break it down into smaller more manageable goals. We would start out by saying to ourselves, “what can I do this week that will get me to my goal.” This last year has been eventful to say the least. I was able to accomplish one goal, getting a new job, and go back to school so I can get a degree in horticulture and eventual get a job in the field. It was hard not to get frustrated, especially when things weren’t moving fast enough. I hope my ongoing adventure will encourage others to continue to go after their dreams. What got us going was that we both had some pretty big goals to accomplish. Even though we have been able to get threw a few, we haven’t gotten them all done. I feel that when one goal is meet, we should start a new one. Any goal always leads to more. What got me going with my goals was that I had found a passion for gardening. My roomy and I decided to put in a garden. I guess you can say that this in a sense, hit me if the face. I had, and still have anxiety. A lot of times, I would hop into my car and drive. This always clears my head. Well after the second day of gardening, I hoped into my car to think. The funny thing was, I really had nothing to think about. That was frustrating me a little. That is when it hit me. My anxiety was gone. I was trying to figure out how to keep this going. And this is how I figured out that I should go back to school. In my opinion, the best way for a person to learn, is to do what they enjoy. Well I started out slowly. This fall semester I will be taking 3 classes. In the spring, I hope to go full time and be at the University Of Minnesota. Which leads me to my next goal. A few years ago, I was working overnights at a local nationwide retailer. I had been there for almost 8 years. This job was really getting to me. I felt like I needed something new and to grow. So I had gotten a job doing customer service over. Well It only lasted 4 weeks when I decided it wasn’t for me. So, needless to say I was out of a job for a few months. I was able to find a job, but it was only part time. Well, something is better than nothing. My next goal was to get a new job. One of my goals to get this done was to start volunteering. This has always been a big part of my life. And it always looks good on a résumé. So I started working at the Dodge Nature Center in West St. Paul. After a year and a half of this, I was able to get a job at the University of Minnesota. This is a big step for me. Not only am I working full time, I am also getting paid better, starting out at a job, then I ever have at any other job that I have had, and the university will, as of right know, pay for all of my tuition. How cool is that. These two things have given me so much more confidence. Sometimes it does get hard. I am still trying to figure out how to keep it going all the time. But one thing is for sure, no matter how hard something may seem, it is manageable.

So I have started volunteering at the dodge nature center ( www.dodge nature center.org). It has been one of the coolest things I have ever done. Even in the heat we've been haveing. I love being able to get into the durt and pull weeds, clip dry plants and water. It is grounding.

There are 2 things that I have notice that I really like. Hearing the animals, and the senery. Both I feel is something I can capture on canvase.

This is a good prodject for me not only because I can releave stress, I am makeing it look good for other people to enjoy. Well I can injoy it too.

A Great way to relieve anxiety

About a month ago, I was getting my flower garden ready. I was putting in sunflowers. It took me 2 days to do this. About an hour after I was done on day 2, I realized something was off. I realized that my anxiety was goon. I was so excited. Ever since then, I have been trying to figure out how to use this new passion.

The first thing I am going to do is try and volunteer. I think I will start at the Como Zoo and Conservatory. This will allow me to relax and be around beautiful flowers. I am hoping to find places to volunteer at where I can plant flowers for those who can’t afford it. I feel that will be a good way to use my talents to make those less fortunate feel good. Something as simple as a flower garden to spend time in, I think will make them feel good.

I am going to look into going back to school and study horticulture. This way, I can get a job doing something that I love. Granted, there will be days that won’t want to go, but I feel that will be once in a blue moon.

I feel If you find something you love, you should share it.

i am crazy?

When we were together you could only think about yourself,


I thought you were a man,

Strong, smart, sensitive,

You didn’t have a problem with that,

So why did I do all the work,

Pick up your drunk ass,

No work,

Giving me all the stress,

You were just a child living in a man’s body,

Wanting to be loved like the rest of us,

Trying to be all manly and shit,

But your not,

So you satisfied yourself with another women,

While I worked and dug my own grave,

Then you got caught,

And I left,

You told me it was my falt,

I did nothing wrong except take our life seriously,

Now its my time to be selfish,

Time to be the diva,

As I look in the mirror I wonder,

Who Is that looking back at me,

I am worth so much more than what you gave,

I have so much more to give,

My love and friendship should not be thrown to the curb.

Green thumb

My roommate and I have decided to do something this spring that we have never done this year. Now before your mind go’s in the gutter, let me explain. We have decided have a garden of vegetables and grow flowers also. We both have helped with other peoples gardens, manly our parents, but never our own. So this will be an adventure for us.



We started by getting seeds of what we wanted. We also have been saving egg cartons too. We filled the egg cartons with soil, planted the seeds, watered them, and then placed them into a greenhouse that we have in our front porch. Now hopefully, the greenhouse will keep the plants worm and wet. By the time it is worm outside and in the ground unthaws, we will be able to cut the egg cartons apart, we can plant them. Plus, since the egg cartons are biodegradable, we won’t have to worry about taking the soil and plant out of the carton and potentially destroying it.



I am excited about this for many reasons. First of all, I have never done this before. New things are always good. Secondly, I am going to try a trick that my wonderful dad use to do in his garden. First you fill a bucket full of water. After you are done weeding your garden, throw the weeds in the bucket and let the water soak out the nutrients. It’s the same idea with cooking vegetables; don’t put too much water in so it doesn’t take the nutrients away, except it’s the opposite.

breaking free

Like most people, I have had many struggles in my life. Trying to graduate from high school and getting a divorce were my 2 biggest challenges. I never really understood why life for me was so hard when it came so easily for everyone else. And right know, what’s running threw my head as I write this is the song by Queen “I want to break free”. I have been so set in my ways for so long, I always ask myself how I need to change. I get the same response, huh?
I had gotten a lot of help from a great support system when I was going through my divorce. The one thing I learned is that I needed to let go and start thinking about myself. I spent a good 2 years really struggling to figure this out. I had a job come my way that I had taken. This was my way of getting out of the grave yard shift. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. As scared as I was, I knew it would all work out. Because of this job loss, I went to go see my therapist that helped me threw my divorce. The first thing she told me was if I had asked her opinion first, she would of told me that I couldn’t handle it. WHAT! But in a way she was right. She suggests I get tested for a learning disability. I always thought I was border line having one, but never thought it was worth the trouble. Boy was I wrong.
I had found out that I have a nonverbal learning disorder. I had done some research and everything made sense. People with NLD have a week visual processing skill. This means that I struggle with visual, special, organization, evaluation and intuitive functions. Math, motor skills, reading comprehension and handwriting are difficult. Along with this, most people with NLD suffer with social settings. Many problems that come up because of all of this is anxiety, depression, visual-spatial issues but usually picks up on auditory perception and memory for simple verbal materials. (http://www.nldontheweb.org/home.html)
Know that I am armed with all this information, I am scared shitless and want to crawl back in bed. I am making a lot of progress with it though but wish I was farther along. What I have been working on the last few months is telling people how I feel without our whole conversation being about me or demanding people’s time. Let me tell you that this is extremely difficult for me. I am hoping that threw this blog, I not only tell people about this disorder, that it is a way of telling my close friends what’s going on.

There are some programs I hope to get involved in, or do myself, that will help with visual-spatial issues and being able to multitask. This, I think, will open up more doors for me. I really feel that life should be about experiencing it to the fullest.

creating something new out of something old

I believe everyone should recycle as much as possible. I don’t mean just the usual like glass, plastic aluminum. Just think about all the things you use in a day that you throw away. I know I am always thinking of ways to use and reuse things all the time. By doing this, you will be throwing less away. This means, there will be less in the landfills.

A few months ago, my roommate had broken her headboard off of her bed. She was hoping that she could fix it, but was not able too. Her thought was to go to IKEA, get some table legs, and put them on the headboard. And tada, my new desk. What was either old or unusable to one person is brand new to someone else. And in my opinion exciting too.

Along with getting what we needed at IKEA, we also went to the Goodwill the find some accessories. This helps so many people. You can donate things you don’t want any more, people can buy things that they really need, no matter how much money the make, and it gives people who don’t have jobs, and need to get some good work skills, a place to work.